Final Fantasy XIII - Barthandelus Boss Battle on the Paramecia

I don't usually blog on video games, but I've been playing Final Fantasy XIII lately and I got stuck on the toughest boss battle in the game so far, the Fal'Cie Barthandelus on the flying aircraft carrier Paramecia. What sucks about this boss is that traditional tactics don't work.

I read the guides and tips online, and they all recommended Lightning / Fang / Hope as your battle party, along with various Paradigms and certain accessories. I'm here to say you need more than that. Here's a breakdown of how I finally beat this sumbitch after 3 or 4 days of being stuck on him:

Paradigms:

• Lightning: Commando / Fang: Saboteur / Hope: Synergist – (Bully)
• Lightning: Ravager / Fang: Commando / Hope: Medic – (Diversity)
• Lightning: Ravager / Fang: Commando / Hope: Ravager – (Relentless Assault)
• Lightning: Medic / Fang: Saboteur / Hope: Medic – (Perseverance)
• Lightning: Medic / Fang: Saboteur / Hope: Synergist (Evened Odds)
• Lightning: Medic / Fang: Saboteur / Hope: Ravager (Variety)

Weapons and Accessories:

Lightning needs to have 2 Tungsten Bangles. Fang needs to have a Tungsten and a Silver Bangle. Hope needs to have a Tungsten Bangle and a Gold Bangle. If you do not have all of these, buy them. At some point along the way on the Paramecia there is a treasure orb containing 3000 Gil. All weapons for this battle party need to be upgraded to Level 3, and all Accessories need to be upgraded to Level 2 at least. You can upgrade them further if you want, but this is where mine were at when I kicked his ass. And if you were wondering where some of these accessories are, check your 3 non-party characters. If you are like me you previously selected to Optimize your party due to either Defensive or Offensive strategies, chances are the Gold Bangle you can't find is attached to Snow or something. Remove the good crap from the people you are not using and give them junk.

Strategy:

Set Bully as default Paradigm, and immediately throw a Librascope to get weaknesses. The trick with Barthandelus is constant pummeling. Start taking out the left and right Ailettes and Pauldrons. You want to fluidly move between Paradigms every couple of turns to reflect the current situation, but don't let him force you into defensive Paradigms for more than 2 turns (i.e. use Evened Odds few and far between, and as little as possible). Keep pummeling on him, even if only 1 of your characters is swatting at him. This may sound laughable, but it will keep him distracted from using some of his bigger attacks if you keep him busy. If you get your party's health filled up, switch to Relentless Assault. Then switch to Diversity so you can have a medic filling up your party's health while pummeling him. When you finish taking out the Ailettes and the Pauldrons, you will start the next phase of the boss fight.

The previous advice goes for the head too, until, at some point, he will start using the Destrudo attack. This attack takes a minute to charge up - use this time to switch to Evened Odds followed by Perseverance - you will need to keep debuffing/pummeling him while taking a minute to replenish your health and buffs, and then switch to Relentless Assault as soon as possible and open a can of whoop-ass on him. This is particularly useful true later in the battle - you want to cause a certain amount of damage to him while he builds up for Destrudo because it will keep him from casting Doom. You will know if you did so, because he will grunt in pain and the "Destrudo building up" sound will become higher pitched, as if you really pissed him off and he's about to drop the world on your head. Don't get scared or discouraged, just keep up with Relentless Assault. As soon as he releases Destrudo, flip to Perseverence followed by Evened Odds followed by Bully followed by Relentless Assault followed by Diversity. At this point he should start charging for Destrudo again. All you have to do is wash, rinse and repeat. At some point you will kick his ass.

A couple of notes regarding certain things stated by other strategies - I'm not going to say that they are wrong about these things, but I'm going to state that certain things are overemphasized and not really needed:

• Fang's Sentinel role - I'm not saying it's not totally needed, but it's not needed much. Most of the time Fang will be catching the brunt of his attacks anyway, and her Saboteur role is much handier for this battle than her Sentinel role. 
• Odin - 1. If Doom is cast upon you, he can resurrect you, but from what I've read your Doom counter will stop while he is summoned. I think for me that it kept counting down, but I don't remember for sure - the next night after having my ass kicked by Doom I was going to summon Odin and test to see if he would or could resurrect me if Doom was cast on me, but that night I upgraded the weapons and accessories on my party, and he never got around to casting Doom on me before I kicked his ass. 2. Odin, as strong as he is, will not chop Barthandelus down before he can kick your ass. He can resurrect you if you die, though, as I recall a battle where I summoned Odin in a suicide style attack, and when I died he resurrected me at full health and left. Handy. I died again 3 minutes later because of Doom. Yay. The upshot of it is that if you are good enough, you will not need Odin for this battle.

This battle took me like 3 or 4 days to beat, inconsistently and nonconsecutively. When I finally kicked his ass, I flipped him off and, if I could have, I would have made Snow, Sazh and Hope teabag his corpse in the forehead afterward. Too bad he doesn't die. No spoilers, but he is a recurring boss after all. Maybe Snow, Sazh, and Hope will learn Teabaga before the last boss fight with his ass. Anyway, that's all...

Time is Relative, Ain't That a Bitch?

Today has turned into the longest day in the history of this week. How's that possible? Albert Einstein figured it out, that time is relative - meaning how it's perceived affects its flow. And, in much the same way that everything used to be black and white before color television was invented, that discovery changed everything for everyone, and not for the better. Now, time can last longer than it should - the 9 hour shift I am working (8 hours + 1 hour lunch), for instance, has taken approximately 11 hours just to progress 8 hours in. Sometimes, I think, ignorance is bliss. If someone could figure out time travel, I would like to go back and make old Al keep that little discovery to himself. This may sound stupid to you, but to all my detractors, I say that you are all ignorant. Read this poem (which I copied and pasted from here - since the author is from the 1800s, I'm assuming it's public domain now), and enrich your lives:

Childe Roland To The Dark Tower Came by Robert Browning
(1812-1889)

---

I.

My first thought was, he lied in every word,
That hoary cripple, with malicious eye
Askance to watch the working of his lie
On mine, and mouth scarce able to afford
Suppression of the glee, that pursed and scored
Its edge, at one more victim gained thereby.

II.

What else should he be set for, with his staff?
What, save to waylay with his lies, ensnare
All travellers who might find him posted there,
And ask the road? I guessed what skull-like laugh
Would break, what crutch 'gin write my epitaph
For pastime in the dusty thoroughfare,

III.

If at his counsel I should turn aside
Into that ominous tract which, all agree,
Hides the Dark Tower. Yet acquiescingly
I did turn as he pointed: neither pride
Nor hope rekindling at the end descried,
So much as gladness that some end might be.

IV.

For, what with my whole world-wide wandering,
What with my search drawn out thro' years, my hope
Dwindled into a ghost not fit to cope
With that obstreperous joy success would bring,
I hardly tried now to rebuke the spring
My heart made, finding failure in its scope.

V.

As when a sick man very near to death
Seems dead indeed, and feels begin and end
The tears and takes the farewell of each friend,
And hears one bid the other go, draw breath
Freelier outside, ("since all is o'er,'' he saith,
"And the blow falIen no grieving can amend;'')

VI.

While some discuss if near the other graves
Be room enough for this, and when a day
Suits best for carrying the corpse away,
With care about the banners, scarves and staves:
And still the man hears all, and only craves
He may not shame such tender love and stay.

VII.

Thus, I had so long suffered in this quest,
Heard failure prophesied so oft, been writ
So many times among "The Band''---to wit,
The knights who to the Dark Tower's search addressed
Their steps---that just to fail as they, seemed best,
And all the doubt was now---should I be fit?

VIII.

So, quiet as despair, I turned from him,
That hateful cripple, out of his highway
Into the path he pointed. All the day
Had been a dreary one at best, and dim
Was settling to its close, yet shot one grim
Red leer to see the plain catch its estray.

IX.

For mark! no sooner was I fairly found
Pledged to the plain, after a pace or two,
Than, pausing to throw backward a last view
O'er the safe road, 'twas gone; grey plain all round:
Nothing but plain to the horizon's bound.
I might go on; nought else remained to do.

X.

So, on I went. I think I never saw
Such starved ignoble nature; nothing throve:
For flowers---as well expect a cedar grove!
But cockle, spurge, according to their law
Might propagate their kind, with none to awe,
You'd think; a burr had been a treasure-trove.

XI.

No! penury, inertness and grimace,
In some strange sort, were the land's portion. "See
"Or shut your eyes,'' said nature peevishly,
"It nothing skills: I cannot help my case:
"'Tis the Last judgment's fire must cure this place,
"Calcine its clods and set my prisoners free.''

XII.

If there pushed any ragged thistle-stalk
Above its mates, the head was chopped; the bents
Were jealous else. What made those holes and rents
In the dock's harsh swarth leaves, bruised as to baulk
All hope of greenness?'tis a brute must walk
Pashing their life out, with a brute's intents.

XIII.

As for the grass, it grew as scant as hair
In leprosy; thin dry blades pricked the mud
Which underneath looked kneaded up with blood.
One stiff blind horse, his every bone a-stare,
Stood stupefied, however he came there:
Thrust out past service from the devil's stud!

XIV.

Alive? he might be dead for aught I know,
With that red gaunt and colloped neck a-strain,
And shut eyes underneath the rusty mane;
Seldom went such grotesqueness with such woe;
I never saw a brute I hated so;
He must be wicked to deserve such pain.

XV.

I shut my eyes and turned them on my heart.
As a man calls for wine before he fights,
I asked one draught of earlier, happier sights,
Ere fitly I could hope to play my part.
Think first, fight afterwards---the soldier's art:
One taste of the old time sets all to rights.

XVI.

Not it! I fancied Cuthbert's reddening face
Beneath its garniture of curly gold,
Dear fellow, till I almost felt him fold
An arm in mine to fix me to the place,
That way he used. Alas, one night's disgrace!
Out went my heart's new fire and left it cold.

XVII.

Giles then, the soul of honour---there he stands
Frank as ten years ago when knighted first.
What honest man should dare (he said) he durst.
Good---but the scene shifts---faugh! what hangman hands
Pin to his breast a parchment? His own bands
Read it. Poor traitor, spit upon and curst!

XVIII.

Better this present than a past like that;
Back therefore to my darkening path again!
No sound, no sight as far as eye could strain.
Will the night send a howlet or a bat?
I asked: when something on the dismal flat
Came to arrest my thoughts and change their train.

XIX.

A sudden little river crossed my path
As unexpected as a serpent comes.
No sluggish tide congenial to the glooms;
This, as it frothed by, might have been a bath
For the fiend's glowing hoof---to see the wrath
Of its black eddy bespate with flakes and spumes.

XX.

So petty yet so spiteful! All along,
Low scrubby alders kneeled down over it;
Drenched willows flung them headlong in a fit
Of route despair, a suicidal throng:
The river which had done them all the wrong,
Whate'er that was, rolled by, deterred no whit.

XXI.

Which, while I forded,---good saints, how I feared
To set my foot upon a dead man's cheek,
Each step, or feel the spear I thrust to seek
For hollows, tangled in his hair or beard!
---It may have been a water-rat I speared,
But, ugh! it sounded like a baby's shriek.

XXII.

Glad was I when I reached the other bank.
Now for a better country. Vain presage!
Who were the strugglers, what war did they wage,
Whose savage trample thus could pad the dank
Soil to a plash? Toads in a poisoned tank,
Or wild cats in a red-hot iron cage---

XXIII.

The fight must so have seemed in that fell cirque.
What penned them there, with all the plain to choose?
No foot-print leading to that horrid mews,
None out of it. Mad brewage set to work
Their brains, no doubt, like galley-slaves the Turk
Pits for his pastime, Christians against Jews.

XXIV.

And more than that---a furlong on---why, there!
What bad use was that engine for, that wheel,
Or brake, not wheel---that harrow fit to reel
Men's bodies out like silk? with all the air
Of Tophet's tool, on earth left unaware,
Or brought to sharpen its rusty teeth of steel.

XXV.

Then came a bit of stubbed ground, once a wood,
Next a marsh, it would seem, and now mere earth
Desperate and done with; (so a fool finds mirth,
Makes a thing and then mars it, till his mood
Changes and off he goes!) within a rood---
Bog, clay and rubble, sand and stark black dearth.

XXVI.

Now blotches rankling, coloured gay and grim,
Now patches where some leanness of the soil's
Broke into moss or substances like boils;
Then came some palsied oak, a cleft in him
Like a distorted mouth that splits its rim
Gaping at death, and dies while it recoils.

XXVII.

And just as far as ever from the end!
Nought in the distance but the evening, nought
To point my footstep further! At the thought,
great black bird, Apollyon's bosom-friend,
Sailed past, nor beat his wide wing dragon-penned
That brushed my cap---perchance the guide I sought.

XXVIII.

For, looking up, aware I somehow grew,
'Spite of the dusk, the plain had given place
All round to mountains---with such name to grace
Mere ugly heights and heaps now stolen in view.
How thus they had surprised me,---solve it, you!
How to get from them was no clearer case.

XXIX.

Yet half I seemed to recognize some trick
Of mischief happened to me, God knows when---
In a bad dream perhaps. Here ended, then,
Progress this way. When, in the very nick
Of giving up, one time more, came a click
As when a trap shuts---you're inside the den!

XXX.

Burningly it came on me all at once,
This was the place! those two hills on the right,
Crouched like two bulls locked horn in horn in fight;
While to the left, a tall scalped mountain... Dunce,
Dotard, a-dozing at the very nonce,
After a life spent training for the sight!

XXXI.

What in the midst lay but the Tower itself?
The round squat turret, blind as the fool's heart,
Built of brown stone, without a counter-part
In the whole world. The tempest's mocking elf
Points to the shipman thus the unseen shelf
He strikes on, only when the timbers start.

XXXII.

Not see? because of night perhaps?---why, day
Came back again for that! before it left,
The dying sunset kindled through a cleft:
The hills, like giants at a hunting, lay,
Chin upon hand, to see the game at bay,---
"Now stab and end the creature---to the heft!''

XXXIII.

Not hear? when noise was everywhere! it tolled
Increasing like a bell. Names in my ears
Of all the lost adventurers my peers,---
How such a one was strong, and such was bold,
And such was fortunate, yet, each of old
Lost, lost! one moment knelled the woe of years.

XXXIV.

There they stood, ranged along the hill-sides, met
To view the last of me, a living frame
For one more picture! in a sheet of flame
I saw them and I knew them all. And yet
Dauntless the slug-horn to my lips I set,
And blew. "Childe Roland to the Dark Tower came.''

Why I Approve of the Death Penalty

Case in Point:

Check out this shit - some f*cked up Frenchman named Nicolas Cocaign (read: Nick Cocaine), while waiting on trial for armed robbery, killed  his cellmate, and for whatever reason, decided that he "...wanted to take his soul." To this end, he cut him open to cut out his heart and eat it. However, maybe because he's a dumbass that failed at life, biology wasn't this cat's strong point, so he cut out dude's lung instead. It must not have tasted too good to this first time cannibal, because after he ate part of it raw, he fried "...the rest of it with some onions on a makeshift cooker in the cell." Lung and onions, anyone?

It doesn't matter that the other guy deserved his death, or that Mr. Cocaign had a bad childhood due to being orphaned. His foster parents weren't standing in that cell pointing a gun at him telling him to do it. His lawyer is trying to get him committed to a mental institution to try to rehabilitate the bastard. Here in America, we understand that there is a point where rehabilitation is no longer effective nor warranted. Maybe it would have helped him years ago when he was only trying to have his way with women, but at some point you have to draw a line in the sand. This far, no farther. Killing someone and eating their lung (seriously, did the moron utterly fail to pay attention in biology class as a kid?) crosses that line. Traditionally, execution used to be carried out by one of three methods: hanging, gun squad, and electric chair. Anymore, execution is done "humanely": lethal injection, which basically puts the criminal into a sleep they never wake from. If it was up to me (and it's a good thing it's not), this dumbass would face execution via monster truck.

That's my 2 cents.

This blog post was deleted by the author.

You, Sir and Madam, Are Idiots

Common Sense

Common sense is defined as "sound practical judgment". Here it's defined as "sound and prudent judgment based on a simple perception of the situation or facts." According to the Wiki, common sense "consists of what people in common would agree on: that which they 'sense' as their common natural understanding." According to Merriam Webster Online, the term is dated to 1726. That means, for at least 284 years, people have been encouraged to think and pay attention to what they are doing, and to not do stupid shit. This is what happens when you don't use common sense:


Examples of common sense, in modern usage, include:

• When the pump turns off when you are at the gas station, you stop filling your car with gas. You might squeeze a few more cents into the tank, but in general, you stop filling your tank with gas because common sense tells you that if you don't, it will overflow and you will be wearing gasoline.
  
  
• When confronted with an electrified fence, you do not piss on it because common sense tells you that you will either (a.) get a bad shock or (b.) get electrocuted if there's enough voltage:
  

Guy urinates on electric fence

Badrockradio | MySpace Video

There are millions of other examples of common sense, but one that stands out in my mind in particular is using a shower curtain when you are taking a shower:

When taking a shower, pull the damn shower curtain closed, especially if you live in the second floor of an apartment complex. where lake that forms in your floor can drip down through the ceiling of the apartment below. This is especially true if you live in the apartment above me.

The following is a public service announcement directed specifically to my neighbors who live above me, since you can't seem to grasp such a simple concept as common sense. I had to call the emergency maintenance number at midnight last night because of you:

You Fail. Quit Life.

Now you know. And knowing is half the battle.

My Recommendations

I thought I would lay some more foundation by explaining the links I placed under Recommendations on the right. --------->

Disclaimer: These links are subject to change, so if they are not the same when you view this article, well I'm sorry about your damn luck.

These are things that matter to me for one reason or another, either due to my career in tech support or for other reasons. They are things I recommend to people in my life on a regular basis. I highly recommend you check them out / download them and try them out.

The first 2 are my Twitter and Facebook, these are obviously self-serving links for anyone that cares to check them out.

The next one takes you to a page where BP has video streaming of their efforts to cap the oil catastrophe that they caused in the Gulf of Mexico. Check it out and you will see the repair work underway as the ROV's attempt to cap the oil spill. I'm not some tree hugger or anything like that, but I think that this is one of the events that define current history, and that we need to stay conscious of this as time and events progess and the fallout from it occurs. I wonder what will change as a result of all this? Only time will tell.

Then there's my software recommendations:

Ubuntu - do you just use your computer for basic things such as email, streaming video (Youtube and other such sites), social networking (Facebook, Myspace, etc), instant messaging, things of that nature? Do you have problems with viruses? Then try Ubuntu! You'll never have another virus again! It's not just that it's better than Windows, but also most viruses do not target Linux users. You'll never be a victim of a drive-by download again. It comes with a free equivalent to Microsoft Office called Open Office, and has a lot of other software that integrates it with your various messaging/email/social network accounts for instant access to everything that matters to you online.

Mozilla Firefox - Are you still using Internet Explorer for personal web browsing? Then you fail at life. Everyone in the know uses Mozilla Firefox. It's a much safer browser than Internet Explorer, especially when paired with the No-Script plugin. Download it and check it out today!

Google Chrome - Sometimes you just want a fast browser to get on the internet quickly, do something, and get off again. Maybe you just want to post a Facebook update and have 12 other non-computer things to do, so you just want to fire it up, get it done, and move on with life. Google Chrome is the browser for you. Based on Webkit, it's the fastest browser ever, for when you just need to get it done now.

Other recommendations:

Sirius Satellite Radio - I have it, it's great, and well worth the cost. If you live in an area deprived of culture and/or music (like me), it's a great value. Uncensored radio at it's best, commercial free, and if you like talk radio, they have Howard Stern.

Zenni Optical - One of my friends found this site, and when he showed it to me I thought it was a fly-by-night pyramid scheme. Even when I was convinced that they were legit, I still had my doubts. $8 prescription glasses, for both the lens and frame? Yeah, right. They had to be either a scam or junk or both. I was proved wrong, however, when one of my friends ordered some prescription glasses from there and not only was he not robbed, but they arrived, were the right prescription and were actually pretty decent. The lenses were plastic instead of glass, and the frames were OK (not the best quality ever, yet better than reading and sun glass frames), and I was pleasantly surprised. I ordered some glasses from them after that, and will never get them from anywhere else as long as they stay awesome. Apparently, they are based out of California, and they get them from their warehouse in China. I don't care if my glasses are made by underpaid Chinese sweatshop workers, hell, getting that's the American way! Cheap glasses rock!

NewEgg - This is the most awesome site ever to get computer parts from. If you need more memory/RAM for your computer, or more hard drive space, you want to upgrade your video card or maybe you just want to build your own computer, NewEgg's the shiznit! Everyone talks up Tiger Direct, and I would suggest that you go to them to get your computer monitors and displays as they have a better return policy than NewEgg, but for everything else NewEgg beats them. Are you looking at a motherboard/CPU combo at Tiger Direct and thinking, "Man, that's an awesome deal!"? Look up the same exact hardware at NewEgg, and you can probably find it $20 cheaper there.

Also, there's one other site I currently recommend that's not on my list. I would put it there but this is a fairly transitory/temporary thing. They are down there right now on Nikumaroro Island (formerly Gardner Island; here it is on Google Earth) in a little Pacific island nation called Kiribati on an expedition looking for evidence to support their theory that Amelia Earhart and her navigator Fred Noonan crashed there way back in 1937, and died as castaways (no volleyball named Wilson was there to help keep them sane LoLz). They are posting daily updates, and it's looking more and more like they did crash there. It's really awesome! I hope they find what they're looking for, but don't expect any physical remains more than DNA, as (supposedly) the British navy picked up her skeleton (if it was her) back in 1940, misidentified the remains, and they have since been lost since (I'm sure if there were records they were destroyed in WWII during the bombing of London by the Nazis). But hell, DNA and a relevant part of the plane wreck would be neat! This is cool stuff, and well worth keeping tabs on.

My list of recommended links will be updated from time to time, so check back to see more awesomeness as time progresses.

Waiting on Death

As this is my first blog post, I thought I would lay some foundation by explaining the title of my blog, and my reasoning behind it. First the name:

Waiting on Death

My colleagues at work usually assume I'm busy when they approach me (at their expense), so the first question out of their mouths when they talk to me is to say, "What are you doing?" I get asked this all the time. This is usually answered by me saying, "Waiting on death," which usually causes the other person to laugh (I guess they think I'm joking). Then they ask me whatever they had on their mind to begin with.

Why do I respond thus? Because, I think people are like Alzheimer's patients in a waiting room who have forgotten what they are waiting for and why they are waiting. All they know is the waiting room, though, so they look for things to do to fill time until whatever happens happens. These are the things we distract ourselves with daily - television, the internet, family, friends, church, school, religion, careers, your legacy, you name it: these things we fill our lives with to provide meaning are nothing but temporal distractions while we wait on death. One thing I've learned about life is that everything shall come to pass, meaning one day it will all be over. Nothing is permanent but the act of waiting on death, and even that too shall come to pass when all life ends.

Some people might disagree with this point of view, and say that there is more to life than waiting; I don't disagree with this argument, but underlying all else is the wait. Whether or not you are conscious of the fact that you are waiting does not change the reality of it. Born again Christians believe that once Jesus comes into your heart, you can never truly die, you will live forever in Heaven with Jesus. I am not debating this, or turning this into a religious argument advocating one point of view over another - the fact remains that, whether the soul dies upon physical death or not does not have a bearing on the fact that, physically, your body will die at some point and until then, one way or another, you are conscripted to wait just like everyone else. All life everywhere is conscripted to wait in this waiting room, whether it is advanced enough to realize it or not.

Therefore, when I say that I am waiting on death, it is neither a death wish nor a cop out, but simply the truth.

Thus is the nature of life.